This is what I mean:

Gil and Veronika were newlyweds in their first apartment together. He left the shower curtain open. She closed it. This went on for a while. Veronika noticed that she was becoming irritated, and decided that it was time to talk about it.

She chose to simply ask a question: Why do you leave the shower curtain open? The mystery was solved. In his prior apartment, he had a tiny bathroom. Closing the curtain meant mildew. Veronika explained that with the larger bathroom, the opposite was true. She asked if he was willing to close the curtain. He was.

This is the value of investing in transforming your relationship communication:

1) Clarity of Communication creates space in your relationship. You can choose to express precisely what your experience is without attacking each other. This builds trust, consistency and support in your marriage.

2) Every couple has baggage. Whether you know it or not, you and your partner each bring your experience and perspective with you. As you explore this territory together, you can create a foundation for conscious communication.

3) Know your shared relationship vocabulary. Acknowledge your strengths both as an individual and as a couple. Defining values and standards that express your relationship are your compass for knowing how to return your relationship to a loving state.

4) There is no ‘one-style-fits-all’ in implementing conscious communication. Explore what works for both of you and design a system that meets your expectations.

5) Conscious communication is a process. Successful couples know that relationships require ongoing attention and awareness. It is an invitation to engage. This does not mean processing every little thing. It does allow space for choosing when, and how to successfully communicate.

How you communicate up to you. It is not defined by your history or your habits. It is shaped by the choices that you make as individuals and together as a couple. You are each responsible for yourself, and to each other as the co-creators of your relationship. Successful communication is loving, appreciative and respectful of both partners, and honors your relationship.

You are invited to transform your communication to have an Enchanted Relationship: one that easily returns to an unending well-spring of joy and love.

What would it be like to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a child-like spirit? Here’s what I mean: Recently, I sat in the main office of an elementary school, waiting for an interview. I noticed that celebration was in the air. Valentine’s Day was coming! Everything was decorated in pinks and reds. There was love, light-heartedness and enthusiam filling the air from staff members and students alike. There were packages of marshmallow hearts being placed in staff members’ mailboxes. As people came and discovered this unexpected sweet treat, their faces lit up upon discovering this small, sweet surprise. Everyone that I saw embraced the spirit of this celebration. Even the students’ projects were focused on Valentine’s Day.

I am a retired Elementary Vocal Music teacher. When I ask a child who their Valentine is, the answers varied. It could be anyone — mom, dad, a pet, friend, aunt, uncle, and more.

What if we shift our expectation about what Valentine’s Day. Do you accept the message that media and marketing has attached to this holiday? You can connect with a simple, child-like perspective that is within you. Look into your heart and soul. Broaden your definition of who can be your Valentine.

Love is much more than romantic love. It includes many different qualities: appreciation, liking, delight, friendship, respect and enthusiasm. Including those words creates a spacious and generous definition.

This is my invitation to you: Will you be my Valentine? Today, choose to be appreciative for someone that you love, including your pets. Do something special. Keep it simple. While you’re at it, don’t forget to be your own Valentine.

We cannot always control where we are on the relationship spectrum. We can choose to be here, now. Just for today, let go of the longing for what has been, or what is yet to come. Take this opportunity to be in love with life and living now. Experience joy, celebration and fun in the moment.

While goal planning may not sound romantic, it is the best investment that you can make in your marriage. A goal is something that is enchanting and energizing when you think about it. A goal can open a space of possibility for shifting from an ordinary to an extraordinary outcome.

There are three reasons why you might want to do this:

First, when your relationship is already going well, that is the time to continue to nourish it, so that you continue to have a free-flow of love, appreciation and delight, and even more.

Second, relationships need consistent maintenance and attention to continue to be successful.

Third, if you notice that you are getting “off track,” you can make a simple course correction sooner rather than later.

Here’s an example. Recently, a friend was planning on spending a night away with her fiancee at his cabin. I asked her whether this was something she enjoyed. Her answer was that it was his choice for celebrating his birthday. Afterwards, she told me that it helped them get back on track in their relationship, and that they would remember to take time to do this more often.

The value for them was time away from everyday distractions, enjoying uninterrupted conversations, and simply spending time together renewing what is important in their relationship.

A cabin in the woods may not appeal to you. You might not even want to leave home. Your relationship is unique. Your choice is in alignment with who you are as a couple.

Here are four simple steps to re-enchanting and renewing your relationship:

1) Begin with an intention focused on relationship, wherever you are on the relationship spectrum.

2) Invite your partner to plan with you.

3) Together, simply plan a small, sweet, short-term goal that can be completed in one to three months.

4) Have fun taking small, sweet steps towards completeing that goal.

Relationship can thrive with consistent loving attention. Simple steps begin with your intention of having a sucessful relationship. The result will be enchanting again and again.

Share your enchanting ideas.

Martin Luther King Jr. offers us an invitation to be the presence of love. He spoke and wrote about the qualities that clearly define love. These are common sense for every relationship. As common practice, they have the power to change hearts and minds.

I grew up when Rev. King led the Civil Rights Movement. What makes him a role model is that he demonstrated integrity, consistency and clarity by the way he lived. His behavior and attitude was not based on what was happening to him or around him. It was based on the heart and soul of what was within him.

Here are five qualities of love as a core principle for living that he taught us:

1) We are all equal. He understood that this is the way we are created. It is not our shape, size or color that matters. It is who we are in our heart and soul. Recognizing the inherent equality of all beings creates a level playing field, and opens up the possibility for working together.

2) We are here to contribute our unique gift to the world. When we discover what is already in us, and express that, we illuminate the darkness. What matters is our being willing to do our best in every moment. Together, our gifts and talents create harmony and beauty in the world.

3) Our dreams are important. Dreams are meant to become reality. By taking small steps and asking for support from others who see our dreams and beyond, all things become possible.

4) Forgiveness is a constant attitude. When we focus on anger and blame, there is no space for love. Forgiveness relieves us of the weight of carrying that. It also lets the other person ‘off the hoot,’ whether they know it or not.

5) Love is powerful and empowering. When you consistently demonstrate being the space of love, fear and ignorance eventually melt away. You do not have to see the results, however.

These qualities are common sense. When they have effect is when they become common practice. It is not enough to shout ‘Amen.’ The transformation that occurs is within you. When you shift, the world around you does, too.

My invitation to you is to being by practicing these qualities with those who are closest to you, and allow the circle to expand out from there.

When we fall in love — with a mate, a child, or even an idea — a spontaneous enchantment occurs, a blessing that is ours for as long as we are capable of holding onto it.

We are bewitched, in those cases, and we are delighted.”

Marianne Williamson, “Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships”

You can choose to plan for enjoying being engaged, while beginning your wedding planning.

Here are your four simple steps for having a joy-filled engagement:

1) Invest time in your Relationship
You got engaged because you love each other, and like each other a lot, too. You are planning to spend the rest of your life together. Your wedding preparations can seem overwhelming. Emotions run high at times, with the possibility of disagreements and tension between you. Continue to schedule date nights, and look for opportunities for spontaneous play time together. Acknowledge and appreciate each other’s strengths, be flexible, and kiss a lot. Fault-finding and blaming undermine your relationship.

2) Plan Your Wedding and Prepare for Your Marriage
During your engagement, you have the opportunity to learn how to communicate with love and respect. There are many decisions that you will be making together. There will be conversations about finance.

For example, you want to invest more in your wedding ceremony, so that it expresses who you are as a couple. Your partner has a specific budget in mind. This is the time to practice your listening skills, being respectful, and clear communication with love. How you make decisions in planning your wedding sets the pattern for your relationship after the wedding. Consider counseling or coaching for additional support.

3) Take Care of Yourself
Learn to love yourself by taking care of yourself before you take care of others. Be gentle, generous and compassionate. You can be your own best friend. Nix the negative conversations. No extreme makeovers, please. If you are making changes, make sure that it is part of a long-term beneficial plan, not to reach a number on a scale, and a date on the calendar.

4) Know Your PrioritiesMake decisions about your priorities. There are many decisions to be made. Everyone has an opinion. When you and your partner have clear priorities, it is easier to stay on course. Have a support team with people who will say ‘Yes’ to your dream.

Remember, your engagement is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, whether you are a first-time bride, or not. Choose to savor each moment. Implementing these four steps can alter your course to the abundant flow of a rich and rewarding engagement.

~Marianne Williamson

Here are the five most common stressful scenarios for couples:

1) Your spouse’s family comes to visit. You do all the work. He does all the socializing. By the end of the visit, he is feeling happy and relaxed. You are exhausted and cranky.

Tips: Your roles within your relationship have become habitual. When you are with your family, you fall back into the roles you had before you began your relationship with each other.

Before the visit, schedule quiet, relaxed time to sit down and have a clear conversation, communicating your expectations. It is important for you to be united. This is not the time to get side-tracked by your frustrations or concerns. Focus on what you want the outcome to be.

2) How much are you spending on your children. One of you wants to spend more on the children’s gifts. The other wants to spend less. There is frustration and discord between you. The “spender” might buy gifts or gives money to a child without without telling their partner.

Tips: Your relationship with money began long before you met each other. You most likely have unexplored assumptions about money. It is important to be communicate consciously and clearly about your expectations. This can affect the longevity of your relationship. It can become a concern about trust. When deciding on gifts for the children, involve them in the process. Communicate and decide on a budget that both of you can be comfortable with. You do not have to buy everything. Make decisions on your child’s longer term interests, and balance that with fun and frivolous items as well.

3) Are you thoughtful with your gifts. Here’s an example: One Christmas, my dad bought my mom a pie plate and pie plate holder. The holder still has a dent where mom pitched it at dad. Perhaps, you’re the spouse who waits until the last minute without planning ahead. Either way, this can be a scenario for frustration.

Tips: If your spouse does this, don’t make a big deal about it. Look at the Big Picture. How are they the rest of the year? Are they thoughtful and considerate, or is this part of a larger challenge in your relationship? Your spouse is not a mind reader. When you clearly and consistently communicate what you do or do not want, you are more likely to have a successful outcome. Another way to have success is to go shopping together. Make an occasion out of it.

4) Are you staying at your in-laws? When you are in a committed relationship, whether married, engaged or living together, the number of relationships increase exponentially.

Tips: Plan a relaxed conversation before the visit. Talk about your family’s traditions, and what you value. This is the time to light-heartedly share some of the stories of Holidays Past. By bringing lightness and a sense of humor, you can be objective about your family. Appreciate the time you spend together, and plan for navigating the obstacles. Leave space for the unexpected opportunities, as well.

Spend time away from the family gathering. Go for a walk, or a drive together. Be the one who volunteers to go to the grocery store or run errands. Be respectful of your in-laws, and be responsible for your behavior.

5) When you put up and take down the holiday decorations. You want to put up all the decorations on Thanksgiving weekend. Your partner might be a minimalist.

Tip: Plan ahead. Make a date to have a relaxed conversation about the holidays. Now is the time to communicate what traditions you most value as individuals, and design a new tradition that represents who you are as a couple.

Be respectful and appreciative of each other. Take time to plan ahead. Have a relaxed conversation, and communicate your expectations clearly. Listen to each other. Then, design a plan that is in keeping with who you are as a couple, and what you want to express through your relationship.

Notice the challenges that consistently repeat, whether during the holidays, or not. The time that you invest in your relationship is an investment in the longevity of your relationship.

Ask for the support and guidance that you need so that you can continue on your journey to a lifetime of a heart and soul centered loving relationship.

There is potential for family conflict based on the complex relationships that involve extended families, as well as unresolved challenges. Over the holidays, that combination of expectation and diversity of relationships can be challenging to negotiate.

Whether holiday gatherings provoke leftover disagreements, or replayed scenarios (think “Groundhog Day”), you can thrive, rather than just survive.
Here are six simple steps to guide you:

1. Be prepared for family gatherings to be the same as they have always been.
No matter how much you hope for things to be different, understand that there is no “magic relationship wand” to wave. You cannot change other people’s behavior.

You can, however, choose your behavior. Instead of reacting to what others are saying, simply listen. By listening, you can cultivate compassion and appreciation. There are also times to walk away.

2. Take the opportunity to connect with your relatives.
Make your time impactful. Decide ahead of time who you would like to spend one-to-one time with. This is not the time for airing grievances or resolving challenges. Have a conversation that is focused on listening. Respond, rather than reacting. By treating the event as an opportunity and privilege, you might receive an unexpected delight.
When you listen, you can understand another person’s perspective. You are giving them the gift of your presence. Because we are all human, you might learn something of value.

3. Go with gratitude. Explore what you most appreciate about your family, or your partner’s family. What happy or amusing stories do you remember about other holidays? Be thankful for something about this family fathering, no matter how simple. Focusing on gratitude makes room for clarity and flexibility. Take time to express your gratitude, as well.

4. Speak about yourself and not others.
Speak about yourself and your experiences a little. Listen to others a lot. Listening to others is an act of generosity. People love to talk about themselves.

Bring pictures and stories to share. When you speak about others, it says more about your integrity than it does about the other person.

5. Practice good manners.
When you are a guest, offer your help. Bring gifts for your host/hostess. Leave your pets at home, unless they were invited. Leave your illnesses at home. Ask how long you are invited to stay, if you are staying more than one day.

When you are the hostess, be flexible, and express gratitude. Ask and allow your guests to help. You’ll enjoy the occasion more, your guests will feel better, and your stress will melt away.

6. Lighten Up.
Go with the intention of enjoyment. Lighten up and let go of your concerns. Explore ways to make this a positive experience for yourself, and for others.

Relationships can be complex, and reveal your personal values and challenges about relationships. When you are engaged, married, or in a committed relationship, take time to explore each of your relationships with your family of origin so that you can make clear decisions about family gatherings, or explore other alternatives that acknowledge who you are as individuals, and as a couple. You can then express your intentions in the holiday celebration that you choose.

Here is an affirmation to support you: I choose how, where to and with whom to spend my holidays.

Bottom line: It is all up to you. You choose where, how and with whom to spend your holidays. You also choose your attitude, and where to focus your attention. Why not focus on gratitude.

Holidays are not about perfection. Even with the best of intentions and being conscious, stuff happens. Let it go. Allow your holidays to be about enjoyment, fun, and enthusiasm. Whether you are the host or guest, hold a loving and compassionate space for all. And don’t forget your manners!

In addition, the wedding shows on television, bridal expos, bridal magazines, and wedding websites, do little to focus on the wedding ceremony itself. There is a perception that couples have only two options: either a religious ceremony at their house of worship, or a perfunctory civil ceremony. Because of this, couples have come to believe that not much planning for the ceremony is necessary. The ceremony arrangements are left until the last minute.

This article is about dismantling that structure, and sharing new information. Couples getting married have new opportunities and choices for their wedding ceremony.

Ironically, the trend of having either a religious ceremony or perfunctory civil ceremony is beginning to change. More couples are holding their wedding reception at a private residence, restaurant or other unique venue. With more unique venues on the rise, independent wedding officiants are performing the ceremony. This is an increase of 30% over 2010. Even with this trend, couples are not aware that they can have the ceremony that is as unique and personalized as every other aspect of their wedding day.

When I meet the wedding guests before the ceremony, they are curious about the ceremony. What I hear most often is that they expected a perfunctory ceremony. That is because they are familiar with the traditional model of the ceremony being either in a religious or civil context.

Whatever you believe your choices are, consider the outcome that you want. Otherwise, you can be disappointed, and the consequences more far-reaching than you imagined were possible.

When Schelli got married the first time, she and her fiance decided to have a brief civil ceremony. The officiant mispronounced her name three times during their brief ceremony. Years later, that is what she remembers about that wedding day. Schelli wonders if the ceremony was a predictor of the future success of her marriage. When thinking back on that experience, she expressed a longing for a ceremony that demonstrated the importance of the vows and promises, as well as being personalized to uniquely express their “couple-ness.”

The reality of your wedding ceremony is this: Your wedding ceremony can be as unique as every other aspect of your wedding celebration. After all, you are a one-of-a-kind couple. Why not have a ceremony that reflects and celebrates that.

Everytime I guide a couple and perform their ceremony, my understanding of the importance of the wedding ceremony grows and deepens. The wedding ceremony can be powerful as an outforming of the space of Love. It is deeply intimate, no matter how many guests and participants.

The ceremony officiant/wedding minister becomes a channel between the couple and the Universe. In that space, miracles can occur. There is a change in perception.

The words that a couple chooses to speak and the promises and vows can be meaningful, personalized and unique. They are sacred words spoken on that day. After the wedding day, they are promises to live into for a lifetime. With thoughtful envisioning and planning, the wedding ceremony can become a firm foundation for your happily ever after.

Up until today, you might have believed that your choices for your wedding ceremony were limited. Given the idea that there are not many choices for your wedding ceremony does not light you up with joy and enthusiasm, does it? There are so many other areas of your wedding that are fun and enjoyable to decide. But now you know that you do have other options.

Chosen thoughtfully, your decision can illuminate and inspire you in planning your wedding ceremony. There is no choice that is better than the other. The most important consideration is your dedication and commitment to each other, so that along the way, you are deepening your love and relationship.